When a child turns 12, he should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bunghole, until he reaches Attributed to Twain but never sourced, this quotation should not be regarded as authentic. Describing her first day back in grade school after a long absence, a teacher said, "It was like trying to hold 35 corks under water at the same time.
See also autobiography, vol. Warm summer sun, shine kindly here; Warm southern wind, blow softly here; Green sod above, lie light, lie light — Good-night, dear heart, good-night, good-night. Epitaph for his daughter, Olivia Susan Clemens , this is actually a slight adaptation of the poem "Annette" by Robert Richardson ; more details are available at "The Poem on Susy Clemens' Headstone" The minority is always in the right.
The majority is always in the wrong. Attributed to Twain, but never sourced. Suspiciously close to "A minority may be right, and the majority is always in the wrong. Often attributed to Twain, but he said it was attributed to Benjamin Disraeli and this itself is probably a misattribution: see Lies, damned lies, and statistics and Leonard H. Twain did, however, popularize this saying in the United States. His attribution is in the following passage from Twain's Autobiography , Vol.
The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. Often attributed to Twain, but of unknown origin.
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The thermometer stands at about seventy degrees the year round. It hardly changes at all. You sleep under one or two light blankets Summer and Winter, and never use a mosquito bar. Nobody ever wears Summer clothing. You wear black broadcloth--if you have it--in August and January, just the same.
It is no colder, and no warmer, in the one month than the other. You do not use overcoats and you do not use fans. It is as pleasant a climate as could well be contrived, take it all around, and is doubtless the most unvarying in the whole world. The wind blows there a good deal in the summer months, but then you can go over to Oakland, if you choose--three or four miles away--it does not blow there.
Golf is a good walk spoiled. Scrivener attributes the aphorism to "my good friends the Allens". Reference from Quote Investigator. I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time. Often misattributed to Twain, this is actually by Blaise Pascal , "Lettres provinciales", letter 16, Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.
Translation: I have only made this [letter] longer, because I have not had the opportunity to make it shorter.
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Whiskey is for drinking. Water is for fighting over. It seems likely that the attribution to Twain is apocryphal. It is not listed as authentic on Twainquotes , and is not listed at all in either R. Barber's Quotable Twain A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
BY HENRY MORFORD.
According to R. Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Notes on sourcing Twain did say: "There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's admiration — and regret. The weather is always doing something there … In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.
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Yes, one of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. This quote has been attributed to Mark Twain, but the attribution cannot be verified. The quote should not be regarded as authentic. I Love You' ' by H. Jackson Brown. Our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India.
Often attributed to Twain online, but unsourced. Alternate source: "The whole principle [of censorship] is wrong. It's like demanding that grown men live on skim milk because the baby can't have steak.
It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. Ward, et al. For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Coward, by Henry Morford
A suspicion sets her apart from the others. Motionless things that grow in mass communities must have evolved ways to synchronize. Nature knows few loner trees. But the belief leaves her marooned. His sigh is as clear as a public service announcement: Girls doing science are like bears riding bikes. Purdue gets hold of a prototype quadrupole gas chromatography-mass spectrometer. With such a device, she can measure which volatile organics the grand old eastern trees exude and what these gases do to the neighbors.
She pitches the idea to her advisor.
People know nothing about the stuff trees make. Possible, but freakish. The man whose name was sometimes Theo Miller had been twenty-two years old when they abolished human rights. The government insisted it was necessary to counter terrorism and bring stable leadership to the country. The work consists of taping plastic bags over the ends of branches, then collecting them at intervals.
She does this over and over, hour by hour, while the world around her rages with assassination, race riot, and jungle warfare. She works all day in the woods, her back crawling with chiggers, her scalp with ticks, her mouth filled with leaf duff, her eyes with pollen, cobwebs like scarves around her face, bracelets of poison ivy, her knees gouged by cinders, her nose lined with spores, the backs of her thighs bitten Braille by wasps, and her heart as happy as the day is generous.
She brings the samples to the lab and spends tedious hours determining which gases each of her trees exhale. There must be thousands of compounds. The tedium makes her ecstatic.
She calls it the science paradox. And she gets to work in the sun and rain, the stink of humus filling her nose with musky life. All the razzmatazz of life on Earth is a free-rider on that mind-boggling magic act.
She leads her charges into the heart of the mystery: Hundreds of chlorophyll molecules assemble into antennae complexes. Countless antennae arrays form into thylakoid discs. Stacks of these discs align in a single chloroplast. Up to a hundred such solar power factories power a single plant cell.
Millions of cells may shape a single leaf. A million leaves rustle in a single ginkgo. Too many zeros: their eyes glaze over. She shepherds them back over that ultrafine line between numbness and awe. And everything you hope, fear, and love became possible. Late at night, spent from teaching and research, she reads her beloved Muir.